This is the ballad of Larry and Liz
And the anniversary gifts they choose
Instead of the usual metals and jewels
They go for drugs and booze

They met in their local pub, both steaming,
In a haze of wine and laughter
First month together, they felt they were dreaming
So they married shortly thereafter

Paper was the first year recommendation
Sod that, she said, with a frown
They opted instead for inebriation
Down at the old Rose and Crown

Second year, Larry offered her cotton
But a drink, she said, would be lovely
The idea of clothing was quickly forgotten
They got drunk on a magnum of bubbly

Year three. He suggested something in leather
Tempting, Liz said, but no;
I’d rather get trolleyed on Tequila together
It gives me a wonderful glow

Wool was the gift which was urged for year seven.
But she said, we’re itching enough
Why don’t you take me halfway to heaven
Roll a spliff, and give me a puff

They went to Glastonbury for their tenth
The anniversary list said, tin.
She said they’re selling acid from that tent
I’d rather you got us some in

Fifteenth: Crystal was recommended
And so they bought cocaine
They could barely remember how it ended
That lost weekend in Spain

Thirtieth: Larry offered Pearls
She said, don’t be a dandy
You know how to treat your girls
Go and get some Mandy

Fifty should involve some gold
But they chose a fun night in
Of kicks and giggles uncontrolled
Off their tits on ketamine

But the booze and the drugs were debilitating
They’d had a few too many
So they spent two weeks rehabilitating
At a clinic near Abergavenny

On their fifty-fifth he bought her an Emerald gem
There was no debauchery
Their wild days were well and truly behind them
Swapped for yoga and camomile tea

The sixtieth should be diamond-encrusted
But they felt they’d been dry for too long
Larry said, our lust for life’s become rusted
Perhaps we’ve been doing things wrong

Let’s pretend it’s year one. Reincarnation.
Paper? He asked, with a frown
She smiled, and they opted for inebriation
Down at the old Rose and Crown.