‘Right, here’s the official worrud ‘n’ I’ll tell yer fa why. All the Sandras, Big Jeannette, all the Pippa Dees, they’f all bin cancelled, naebody’s gone tae Torremolinos, they’re all jest talkin’ on their Snapchat grrroup. Shtop goon oot, shtop meetin’ yer paals, shtop gayin’ tae the park ‘n’ gethrin’ taegetha, ya bunch o’ feckin eediots.  Yae’ve bin telled: ev’rybeddy’s gonnae die if ye’s all keep gen aboot ‘n’ meetin’ each other ‘n’ gi’in evryone the virus on yer. Sae ah’ve telled yer once ‘n’ I’m no’ gannae tell yer agen. This is the official line: if ah see ennie o’ yoo oot there I’m gennae tek a rrrun ‘n’ put ma toe up the crrack o’ yer arrrse. Sae quit it. Stae in the hoos, wash yer hans ‘n’ keep yer fam’ly saef. Away ‘n’ Snapchat yer pals. Ah’ll be talkin’ tae Big Theresa later. All ye’s, use yer phawns. Ya quit it.’